All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
