an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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