Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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