1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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