I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I licked your asshole in confidence.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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