Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
