Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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