If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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