The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize