Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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