is your mom at the bar?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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