I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
