I wanna passion pit in your ass
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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