You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
