I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
