matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
