omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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