i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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