i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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