And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
