I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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