Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
