Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
