a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
