I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
