i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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