Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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