rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
