im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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