your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Randomize
