My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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