in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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