I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
