Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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