a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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