my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My breasts were aching with rage.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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