if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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