Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
