i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize