obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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