the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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