I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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