I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
