Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
