It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
