you're like a bully in the Christmas story
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
