I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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