Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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