i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I love you. Go after that dick
Randomize
