mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Randomize
