If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
