I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
