Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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