I just saw a hot homeless man
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
