Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
