Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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