I am in a vortex of obligation.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
