Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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