I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
